If I take that trip, see that city, explore that place, I might not have all the money I need to eat exactly what I want, get exactly as many expensive coffees as I want, shop as often as I want.
If I introduce myself to someone, invite them to lunch, open my heart, I might feel awkward and uncomfortable. They might despise me! How likely that seems in my little heart.
But if I wall myself off from all those experiences, keep myself safe from all those risks, what do I have at the end of my life?
I have nothing, I guess, except the knowledge that I was really, really comfortable.
Not joy. Not wisdom. Not stories. Comfort.
Is that all I want? Is it even vaguely possible that I want to reach the end of my life and have, to show for it, the fact that I kept myself secluded and safe and unscathed?”
— the rest is here
I want to be happy by myself, in and of myself, without bothering about religion. Because when You are in my life, really in it, invading all of it, I can’t do things my way. I can’t ignore the parts of Your word and Your will that make me uncomfortable. I can’t hush, can’t be quiet, can’t work my hardest to conform to the culture around me so that You are in the background, and I am normal. Acceptable. Ready to impress.
God, please destroy this desire in me. Bring me back to the central question, which is: Have I ever been happy without You? Has a prolonged period of time away from You brought me anything good, anything lasting? The answer is no.”